Tuesday, April 26, 2005

All Along I Had What I Needed

After a weekend spent channeling Isadora Duncan, swimming like a dophin and yelping like a whale at a Berkshires retreat called "Coming Home to Your Heart," Smartmom took away a simple message

"All along I had what I needed. It was enough."

These words came out of her almost unconsciously as she recorded her thoughts on paper after waking from a dream. She wrote about the sense of scarcity that she feels in her life; it's a primal feeling she's carried with her for years. But it also connects to her fear of not being able provide for herself and her family - now and in the future. A common fear many of hold at this stage of life.

The anxiety, the sense that there isn't enough - money, time, space, talent, love, things, attention, goodness, nurturing. In so many ways she focuses on what she doesn't have.

Back in Brooklyn, Smartmom has been thinking about those words over and over. It's become her mantra as she goes about her business in the Slope - walking to the office, to the school, to meetings, to the gym, to the Park. What does it mean really? Or to be more exact: how many things does it mean?

"All along I had what I needed. It was enough."

This morning in the shower, Smartmom felt some of the fortifying solitude she felt during the silent breakfasts in the Berkshires. A revelation came to her: she could wake up just 15 minutes earlier each morning and be alone, shower luxuriously and meditate. She has the time that she needs. She just needs to use it.

On leaving for school with OSFO this morning, Smartmom couldn't find her keys. The usual panic set in. And no, they were not on the handy key hook that's right by the door. An hour later a neighbor called, "I have some keys, they may belong to you..." They were in her apartment all along: she'd left them on the stoop. All along she had what she needed...

And now, facing a congested day, Smartmom some calls, moved some appointments around and has made it possible to get done all the things that need to get done today.

"All along I had what I needed. It was enough."

Smartmom is looking forward to discovering all the things that means.


At 1:30 AM, Blogger Udge said...

I somehow missed this when you first posted it. An excellent piece, and very true: a little reorganization can indeed work wonders. I've forgotten Red Eft's technical term for "dreaming clever" (the subconscious solving problems for us) but this is surely related.


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